Who are the sexiest lesbian couple ever to grace our TV screens? What a question. Now that TV producers have woken up to the value of the pink dollar we've had quite a few to choose from lately, but where does my heart ultimately lie? I have some very distinct criteria as to what makes sexy rather than just cool or cute or likeable or simply flash in the pan.

To start off with the big guns, it's hard to go past Willow and Tara. They had everything; style, chemistry, wit, sex masquerading as magic, and then real sex in the end. However, their snogging didn't so much as have heat as an awww-inducing cuteness that made your heart all snuggly. They were cool, no doubt about it, but they just don't have that burst of sexual energy I'm looking for. Besides, Tara getting a bullet through the chest loses them major points.

Sorry Kennedy, you're just a potential, a lesbo-in-training, you just don't make the grade.

Xena and Gabrielle? Love that leather, but subtext, maintext, no text, the whole thing got exasperating. Let them kiss already, or at least stop introducing bad boy of the week to just prove how lesbian Xena isn't. In the end the storylines and the fan controversy got stale. They're iconic sure, but in the end they were more the goddesses that paved the way than an end in themselves. Also, while we're here, a message to Xena creator Rob Tapert. A dead Warrior Princess is not a feminist statement.

You'd have to give Melanie and Lindsay from Queer As Folk a look-in for the title. Lindsay has that home-on-the-range thing going a bit much in the first two seasons I grant you, but since starting her career again she's the hottest dyke mum around. As for Mel, she practically burns my TV whenever she walks on-screen. Individually they're so sexy they fall off the scale. But together? All that talk about babies and fighting and sharing feelings just kills the libido no end. And now Lindsay goes after a guy? Let's face it, QAF is about guys getting it on. As the voices of reason, the lesbians are not meant to steal the show with their bedroom antics, more's the pity.

I thought Legaspi and Weaver from ER had all the elements; an unexpected beginning, a troubled romance, a sexy surrender. In the end though Weaver lost the courage to fight for her love and rediscovered her spine when it was far too late. If there was one thing I would never have expected Weaver to lose it was her instinct for a good scrimmage. But that's ER all over really, weird plot circles, character inconsistency and eventual disappointment.

Then there's The L Word girls, and there's plenty of candidates there. Apologies to Karina Lombard fans but the Marina-Jenny thing left me cold. Jenny and Robin had a good thing going on, but that dissipated almost as quickly as it began. Shane had a thing for an older woman, but she has a thing for anything with legs. Sexiest single babe maybe, but she's not bucking for any coupledom prizes any time soon. That's part of what makes her so hot.

Bette and Tina were the monogamous couple with passion until Bette's little bit of dabbling, but Tina's too much of a doormat to really run in these stakes. I've also had enough of baby storylines to last a lifetime. If Dana hadn't been such an idiot and thrown Lara away they could have been contenders. Dana made a run for the title with Alice, but that fizzled.

Our L Word gals are all living in limbo (or dead). It takes a couple of seasons of ups and downs to really build a fan base and a narrative history that makes us weak at the knees for a couple. They have some work to do, but they have the distinct advantage of still being on the air.

The plentiful guestbians to grace our screens in various guises don't even count. From Sci-fi to Medical Drama to Soap Opera to Sit-Coms, all the shows have had their lesbian storyline or two. Lesbians of the week are like TV movies of the week: lots of buildup, sensational, ratings winners, but ultimately unsubstantial. One-off kisses might create sparks and be interesting to watch and rewind a few times to watch again, but as I said, that slow burn that really makes a sexy couple takes time to build.

Slow burn doesn't mean slow motion though. When it comes to All My Children you have to wonder if all the actors, screenwriters and directors are on valium. Bianca and Lena had so much potential, for so long. Really long. Have they kissed yet? No? I got bored waiting. Next.

Just for the record, any kissing babes under the age of 18 are cool and cute (yeah Jessie and Katie from Once & Again, I'm looking at you), but for my own sanity, and for legal reasons (ahem), I can't consider them sexy.

Time for an intercontinental shift. After all, why should the Americans have all the fun?

When I think of what a sexy couple should be, I think of gravity. These babes should be so hot for each other that the laws of nature need to be working in their favour. They have an instant pull, a connection, an irresistable attraction. Heck, they have so much heat they could be mistaken for a renewable energy source.

Where can we find such a thing? Rule Britannia, I say! Who would have thought that the land of BBC costume drama and the most annoying royal family on the planet could produce something so ludicrous, so trashy, so hot!

Yes, I'm talking about Nikki and Helen. Anyone who has seen the first three seasons of the aptly named Bad Girls will know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, it's time to pick yourself up a box set.

Fans of Bad Girls are divided on an important question. Who is sexier, Nikki or Helen? Nikki has the tall, dark thing going for her, along with the dark past and the bad girl image. Helen has her authority, her gorgeous eyes and lips, and that accent. Woah, that accent. When men speak Scottish I often think I'd rather listen to a bagpipe concerto, but when women speak it, particularly Simone Lahbib, I start to sweat and tingle all over.

Together the two are electric. We were denied any real contact between them for half of the first season, though it was painfully obvious that Nikki Wade, lifer and murderer, had a thing for the Larkhalls Governor. When Helen first discovered Nikki's attraction to her, by having Nikki put her hand on her breast in the gardening shed, she was stunned. At first she got angry, insisted she was straight and went running into the arms of her boyfriend Sean, agreeing to marry him and live the life of a perfect heterosexual.

As the time wore on, Nikki wore Helen down. After one kiss it was pretty much goodbye fiance. Then the shit hit the fan and Helen was forced to resign as Wing Governor. On her way out Helen gives in to that ultimate of temptations, the consequences free goodbye kiss. Hello! Welcome to season two.

Is this the end of Helen? No! She returns as Head of Lifers at Larkhalls, which means not only is she still involved in Nikki's life, she's her personal supervisor. The tension mounts. We know Helen is up to something when she secretly photocopies Nikki's file. It turns out Helen has made it her personal crusade to get Nikki's case appealed.

Throughout the season Nikki and Helen try to defy gravity (that irresistable pull, remember?) and function as screw and inmmate in a prison that practically screams "hotbed of lusts and desires". In the final season, fed up with the setbacks in her appeals process and fed up with not getting the woman she wants, Nikki bribes a nurse 3000 pounds to help her escape, and lands on Helen's doorstep. After the shock wears off Helen realises what a fabulous opportunity this is and they make love for the first time. I may have missed a bit at the end there, the heat coming off them melted the wiring in my TV. *mutter*

I bought a new TV. Season three! Convinced by that sexy Scottish accent not to throw her whole life away, Nikki lets Helen drive her back to Larkhalls where they sneak her back in undetected. They vow to continue fighting for Nikki's appeal.

Meanwhile, Nikki finds herself in the middle of a brawl at Larkhalls. She backs a prisoner peaceful protest which turns ugly and gets everyone in lots of trouble. Nikki herself succeeds in locking the troublemakers up and ending the riots, but it is too little too late. Helen is incensed. Their relationship is over. Say it isn't so!

Nikki is heartbroken. Helen rebounds onto some twat of a doctor who's gorgeous, intelligent and the complete opposite of Nikki. Our poor girl is forced to sit back and watch Helen be romanced by this moron, when anyone can see that Helen is just running scared and using any possible excuse to put something between her and the truth.

Helen is blackmailed with evidence of her and Nikki's affair, plus information on Nikki's escape from the nurse she bribed. Helen could probably save her job, but if the news of Nikki's one night on the lam got out it would be the end of her appeal. So Helen resigns. It's the end of her career at Larkhalls. She and Nikki part company sadly, but Helen is still seeing the twat doctor so what can be done?

Finally, victory is at hand. Nikki's appeal is granted, despite a last-minute attempt by the same people who blackmailed Helen to have her caught with an illegal weapon. Nikki is set free and is reunited with Trish, the woman she murdered the cop for to be thrown into Larkhalls in the first place. Helen has been thinking, and mulling, and finally gets up the courage to visit Nikki on the outside.

Nikki shrugs off the peace offering, thinking she doesn't need to be around the love of her life who is not interested in her sexually and is still seeing some twat doctor. Helen leaves disappointed, but Nikki is slapped to her senses by Trish who gives in at last and lets Nikki go, right into the arms of her gorgeous Scottish babe who has dumped the twat doctor because what she really wants is Nikki, dammit. That irresistable pull again.

As we watch our sexy heroines fade to black and fade from the show for the last time, we're left with one final, wonderful fact. They faced their share of trials and tribulations but ended up together. Neither of them died, turned evil, tried to kill anyone (and in Larkhalls that's pretty rare) or generally brought disrepute to the lesbian race. They just fell in love.

So that's my case for Nikki and Helen. But it's all a load of bollocks really because people will like who they want to like and have their own ideas on who is sexiest. Let's face it, not everyone has a thing about women with Scottish accents like I do. All that matters is that we celebrate our TV lesbians and hope for many more just like them, only different and better please, with more sex. That'd be nice.

Got a comment? Write to me at nancyamazon@gmail.com